"Since the brutal presidential election, there's been a lot of soul searching going on at Fox News. I am confident that they eventually will find one." – Stephen Colbert
"People sometimes forget that George Washington was very rich, had a pony tail, and grew hemp on his farm. He was America's original Willie Nelson." – Craig Ferguson
"In November, Colorado voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Currently, only Colorado residents can purchase marijuana in the state. But they may open it up to nonresidents too. The new state slogan is 'Come for the legal marijuana, stay because you forgot to leave.'" – Jimmy Kimmel
One of the epiphanies I had was the realization that the church of Scientology has won its war with the government. It already had won the previous war with psychiatry; nobody goes to see a psychiatrist for therapy or insight anymore, all anyone receives these days is a drug prescription and an inflated bill to their insurance company. Thirty years ago Scientology also began planting its believers into government jobs here in America and in Europe, doing a better job at infiltrating than the Soviets ever did... Now we have entrenched bureaucrats making policies the L Ron Hubbard way...